This Summer’s Contest of Hipness: The 2013 Bushwick Games

VDtall

The Bushwick area of Brooklyn, NY, has been producing quality VD since at least 18_8.

Who says Brooklyn hipsters are lazy? Why, they engage in feats of strength and endurance as a matter of course. Finally the hardiest, quickest and most adroit among them will be recognized for their years of training this summer, competing in the contests of their lives at the inaugural 2013 Bushwick Games.

Participants will engage in competitive events including but not limited to:

The Amp-Roll. Each contestant rolls an amp, mounted on casters or a dolly, along a four-block route. Winners will be determined by a combination of speed and their ability to avoid damaging their equipment (demerits will be issued for nicks, lost wheels, etc.). Categories include: the 1×12, the 4×10, the half stack, and the refrigerator-sized bass rig.

The Gear Climb. Contestants ascend four flights of stairs in a warehouse, laden with amps, guitars, keyboards, drums, and drum hardware. In a word, it’s basically a pack mule-style competition. Whoever makes it all the way to the top with the heaviest load, without stopping, wins.

The Bodega Run. We start at a party/rock show on the roof of a warehouse building. The starting gun rings out as soon as the drummer stands up, indicating the band’s set is over. Contestants must run down the stairs, locate a corner store of their choosing, purchase two 24-ounce cans of beer, and return to the roof. First one back wins.

The Dance-Off. It is what it sounds like. At the conclusion of the aforementioned party/rock show, the host plugs his or her laptop into the PA and starts DJing, with a playlist that starts with current and recent summer jamz, dips into classic soul and R&B, and progresses into some really out-there psych and krautrock. The very last person to stop dancing wins. (As of this announcement, the Bushwick Games Advisory Board remains split over whether hallucinogens should be banned as performance-enhancing drugs.)

The Loft Build-Out. Teams of three participants each race against the clock to construct a 10×10-foot room inside an unfinished loft space. The “marathon event” of the Games, the Build-Out is expected to last up to eight hours until a winner completes the task at hand. Building supplies will be provided, but take-out burritos and Modelos will not.

Mugging. On an otherwise deserted block, each participant uses a combination of sheer agility and martial arts skills to elude a team of three 15-year-old thugs, one of whom approaches from the front, one of whom approaches from the rear, and one of whom stands at the corner as a lookout. The winner reaches a well-lit cross street in the shortest time, without relinquishing either wallet or smartphone.

The Rat Dodge. On trash night, participants will race along five blocks to the subway station, aiming to avoid stepping on, or having their own feet walked over by, a series of rats scurrying from the foundations of nearby buildings and across the sidewalk to the piles of garbage lined up on the JESUS CHRIST, DID YOU EVEN SEE THAT THING?? DUDE, IT WAS HUGE!

The Games will be followed by a rager that will continue until brunch the next day. There will be a keg in somebody’s loft — I don’t know who, but it’s on the second floor and the door’s open, and you can use the bathroom in there, too, if you need to. Contact the Bushwick Games Advisory Board for the location. We don’t really wanna advertise the address because we’re not exactly zoned to do this and we don’t have any permits.

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About Brian

"About you," it says? This whole THING is about me.
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